It's been over 2 years since I've touched this blog. Throughout my very difficult pregnancy it became a life saving tool. A way to manage my emotions and feelings and ask for support. The ecstasy I felt as I would post a blog, often in times I didn't know how I would even wake up the next day, got me through even the most difficult of times. However, then my daughter came along and I developed a superwoman complex. I don't know if it was the fact I was scared of being vulnerable or the relationship I dove into where I was often judged for putting my feelings on the line, but I quit writing. I quit doing the one thing I know makes me feel better and I tried to manage everything on my own. I tried to be so strong, I tried to be unbreakable, I thought I could do everything on my own, without opening up, without asking for help and it turns out I'm not that strong, I'm not strong enough to do it all without support and 2015 taught me that more than I ever would have wanted to know.
I've spent the last two months diving into books and listening to motivational speakers non-stop. I've tried to draw from their energy and figure out how and what I need to do to take my life in a much different direction than where I have currently ended up. The one thing that all of these experts have in common is that you have to acknowledge what has happened and then make a very concise plan on your goals and future. However making that plan isn't just good enough you have to WRITE down your goals and concentrate on them. So this is what I've decided to do. I've also decided to make it very public because I've learned that I need the accountability. I need to know that maybe just maybe someone is watching and if I can do it, even after all my mistakes then maybe just maybe going through everything I've gone through is worth saving someone else. So here it goes...my life presented in a very transparent manner in hopes that 2016 is the best year ever!
2015..acknowledging my past
I truly believed at this time last year that 2015 was going to be the most amazing fairy tale year of my life. I was living with a man that although it was very far from perfect, I believed loved me through all my faults. We were talking about where we were going to get married at and looking at huge houses on golf courses. I ignored the signs of the problems, of how much weight I had gained because I had become so insecure every time he told me another girl was smarter or prettier than me. I ignored the way I felt as he took phone calls from his ex-girlfriends just to chat and as he planned vacation after vacation with out me. I ignored the fact that the words he spoke about our future were never backed up with actions. I didn't listen to myself or my gut and then was blindsided when I came home one day to an empty house and having to acknowledge the fact he had moved out in the 1.5 hours I was running errands. Do you know how much planning it takes to move out in 1.5 hours??
I was devastated but I went into fight mode. I knew my kids and I couldn't stay in the house we were living in and had to find something right away. It all happened so quickly. I found a great place but never really took the time to sit down and understand how much it would take to live in a house vs an apartment. I spent what little energy I had left trying to explain to a 2 and 8 year old at the time how the person they saw as another father figure just disappeared one day. I did my best at not saying negative things but I wasn't always the best at it because I was torn apart inside. After 2 pregnancies and being unable to make a relationship work with either father it was just another reminder of how I was a failure as a person. It felt as though I would never be enough for anyone and it's very hard to be happy with yourself when you feel that you're never enough.
In order to make himself feel better my ex sent us money as a parting gift. I knew I shouldn't take it but the truth is I hated him and I wanted to make him pay. Looking back I should have saved the money but instead the maternal part of me told me I need to make it up to my kids for the hell I put them through. I used every dollar of that parting gift on vacations. Not only did we do Disney but we also traveled to Colorado and Dallas. We made amazing memories but the fact that I was juggling my utility bills didn't go unnoticed. I woke up many nights just to make sure the electricity was still on and we would have hot water to get ready in the morning.
The financial struggle was bad but truly it was nothing compared to what was happening on the inside of me. This year truly seemed like a constant boxing match that I was on the losing end of. In March I lost my very best friend in the world. I get it now, she just couldn't take my negativity on a daily basis. She snapped at me one day and I snapped back, we both said the things you're never ever supposed to say. We crossed the lines. I get it now that I needed to hear what she said but at the time all I needed was a hug. I sat in my kitchen that night holding a bottle of pills. I stared at those pills for 2 hours. Those that know me know that I have struggled with suicide thoughts in the past and although I hadn't been there since I was pregnant with Lilly I found myself in that grey area that night. Trying to convince myself why I should continue to to hurt so bad, trying to understand why I was such a failure, trying to figure out why my life had turned into this. I finally sat that bottle of pills down and finished prepping for Lilliana's birthday the next day but I hurt for months after.
Then I did what I think every hurt girl does after a really terrible relationship and I decided to get out there and start dating for fun. Only instead of finding a great guy that could maybe prove to me not all guys are the same I subconsciously started hanging out with men I know I would never have a relationship with. Guys that were 10 years younger, athletes, musicians, the guys that your mother warned you about. The guys you know you won't really fall for because they aren't commitment guys, after all I just spent almost 2.5 years falling for a guy that was perfect on paper, the guy I was supposed to fall for and it ended in major heartbreak anyways, why ever set myself up like that again. At least this way I didn't even look toward the future..I guess I was experiencing with the theory that if your wall is big enough it doesn't matter what daggers are thrown at it you're always protected.
Then October rolled around and without realizing it I had created quite a mess of my life and it was time for another dreaded birthday. I will tell you that 36 is by far the hardest number I have had to face yet. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nowhere close to where I thought I would be at this age, if it's because I work with a ton of 25 year old kids who joke on a daily basis about how old I am or if it's because it's just so damn close to 40, but it was tough. It only became tougher when the "one that got away" an ex that I spent 5 years of my late 20's and early 30's on and off with got married on my birthday. As if that wasn't enough of a blow my daughters dad got engaged the same weekend. Don't get me wrong, I truly am very happy for them but the birthday was hard enough with out the reminder that everyone but me was able to find someone to love them forever...just another reminder that I just wasn't good enough.
It all started to compile. I'm not even sure when it happened but I found a bottle of old pain pills from my c-section. I decided to take one night. I was shocked, it was the first night in months that I didn't go to bed crying. It just made me numb. That night turned into the next night and then the next night and before you know it I was taking 2-3 Oxycontin a day. I had been struggling with anxiety really bad since Lilly was born and it just seemed like a miracle to take the pills and all my sadness and anxiety would disappear. I kept it a secret from everyone, EVERYONE! I was able to talk people into giving me their left over pills from surgeries with out any questions. And then the Royals won the World Series. You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. It was the parade. My anxiety sky rocketed, I couldn't tell you how many pills I took that day but what I know is that I woke up the next morning with out any recollection of the day before. I have pictures but no memories of spending the day with my kids...one of the most exciting days in Kansas City history. It was this day that I decided to quit taking the pills, cold turkey. This was probably not the greatest idea I've ever had either. My body shut down, I started going into withdraw. Luckily my doctor could see me that night. She ran multiple tests and determined that my depression and anxiety levels were high enough to check me into somewhere to watch me. I begged and pleaded for her to trust me. I promised that I wouldn't touch the pills again and that my priority would be getting myself healthy. She negotiated if I would check in with her on a monthly basis (the first week on a daily basis) that I could go home. It was the strangest thing I have ever been through. The weird part is that even after multiple suicide thoughts and even an attempt in the past, this was the first time I was begging to keep my life as it was. In hind site it was really in large thanks to my doctor. For the first time I saw in someones eyes that they cared if I lived or died. This doctor that barely knows me truly cared for my well being as well as my kids. I left their that night with medicine to help with the withdraws and an anti-depressant to help me till I could do it on my own.
This is when I started diving into the books and the motivational speeches. It may seem silly but to me it's helped. I've made peace with the fact that I was born with an aggressive personality and maybe everyone will not always like me or be my biggest fan. However, what I have realized this year is that my priority isn't making everyone like or understand me. I need to like me! I wouldn't say I'm there yet but I think the realization is the first step. I lost a lot of people in 2015 but I also gained a lot of people. I have the 2 most amazing children and have developed working relationships with their fathers and other sides of their families. It may not always be perfect but we make it work really well and always put the kids first. I have a job, that although can be very unconventional, it is exactly where I need to be at this point in my life. I have two vastly different bosses but daily I learn stuff about myself as a person as well as am learning so much stuff that will help to advance my career from both of these individuals and I really can't imagine myself anywhere else right now. In order to play catch up from the dumb financial decisions I made I had a great friend who owns a local restaurant offer to let me bartend and work the very minimal nights I have availability and I have been able to catch up as well as provide my kids with a great Christmas. Finally, I have the most amazing parents who haven't always been happy with my peaks and valleys but have stood by me no matter what dumb decisions I've made. If I really want to look at my life through rose colored glasses I think my pro column far outweighs the negative.
So here it is, my 2016 goals. It's really just one goal but it's going to be more important to developing my children and my future than any goal I've ever set.....
Writing down my goals:
2016 RESOLUTION: Learn to love/like myself!!!
I declare that 2016 will be the best year for my little family yet and hope that it will be for you to!