Tuesday, November 29, 2011

How I got so effed up.....blame it on....

It's 5am on a Tuesday morning. I should be asleep. I should be enjoying my gigantic California king bed all to myself with the only worry of making it to work by 9am. I should, but I'm not. Instead I have a loudly snoring (this is where you think I'm going to say husband or b/f of years...after all I am 32 years old, it's time already) 5 year old laying next to me and a 23 week old soon to be baby girl kicking the crap out of my ribs. Everything you can imagine is rushing through my head....."How am I going to take care of 2 kids on my own? How am I going to be able to afford it? How am I going to explain how they only share one mommy? How am I ever going to get a date again being the mom of 2 kids with 2 different dads (whore)? Why did I ever think it was good idea to take advanced yoga last night, every bone in my body hurts?"...just to name a few. And that's why I'm "Blogging". I've heard about it, heck I've even been known to read a blog or two. I just never thought I would be doing it. However, after trying EVERYTHING else to make it through this pregnancy, and by everything I mean anti-depressants (which aren't that uplifting when you're allergic to them and puking in the toilet for 27 straight hours) and yoga...this is what I've settled on...blogging. So here goes nothing....

One of the questions I keep asking myself over and over again on these cold lonely mornings.."How the hell did I get here?" I mean if you would have asked me 15 years ago where I would be by the time I was over 30 I would have probably dreamed up a much fancier, respectable life for myself. I believed in white horses and tall brunette men that stayed by your side until you lived happily ever after. I believed if you could dream it you could achieve it.....and all those other silly quotes that they put on very colorful posters across the high school cafeteria. I may have believed in fairy tales too much it would seem.

This is where I believe I am suppose to come up with why I got so effed up. Maybe it was my parents...I mean after all we moved around a lot when I was a child. I did end up going to 5 different grade schools. Then there were the junior high years when my mom came up with a brilliant idea to "home school" my sister and I. She finally sent us back come high school time when she realized she hated it as much as we did. Ya, I could blame them. Only now that I'm an adult I can understand why we moved around. We always moved somewhere bigger and better...all they were doing was trying to give us as close to the white picket fence life that they could. I mean after all, they now have been married for 34 years and I can probably count on 1 hand the amount of times I've had to watch them argue (not even fight). So I guess it's not really all their fault.

It be easy to say I had some creepy old uncle that took me in a back room and that's why my morals are so messed up now. However, I didn't. I mean one time I did have to go to court with a couple other girls from the neighborhood after some local pedophile pulled down his pants and got his jolly's off in front of us...but the sad thing is I remember that day as one of the best from my childhood (court day...I don't even remember the day I supposedly saw his goods)..I mean they paid me to skip school, gave me an unlimited amount of candy and I watched my first rated R movie "Stand by Me"...I thought I was all grown up just like those boys did!

Maybe it was when I went away to college...ya maybe that was it. I mean they just threw me in there with no sense of responsibility, idea of how to be a mature adult and no curfew! The only the thing is 26,000 other kids got thrown in too and I'm pretty sure they all didn't end dancing on table tops in Dallas and believing that being "promo girl" was a legitimate smart career choice only to end up where I am today!

So this is what it comes down too....me blogging. You're more than welcome to read, you're more than welcome to judge and you're more than welcome to know: I really don't care what you think either way. For sooooooooooooo long in my life I have cared what others thought...and if I stick to that mind set I wont ever hit the publish button. Maybe just somebody out there is going through what I am and knowing their not alone will help them or maybe you just think your life sucks so reading this will make you feel much better about yourself. Either way here it is... It really wont probably much more than a 32 year old woman whining about beings single, raising kids and douche bags...but hey if that what makes me happy that's what I'm going to do.  So enjoy!


  1. I am already obsessed with this. love you!!

  2. I like it -- you're well spoken in print.

  3. I'm sorry that it was misery that brought out such a good writer in you. I think you would be surprised to know it wouldn't be just people in the same situation that would benefit from reading your blog. I hope even when your life becomes fantastic (in your mind, anyhow...maybe it's already fantastic)that this is something you will continue to do. Also, I like Keds for their kitschy-ness ;)