To abort or not to abort....a lot tougher than I thought!!!

So this is THE BLOG! The blog that I've been wanting to write....the blog that I've been waiting to write....the blog I was too scared to write. It's a controversial subject, it's the one my mom might get mad at me for, it's the one I could lose friends over (that is the friends I have left after not going through with this subject).....but I have to do it. I need to write it for me, I need to write it just in case somebody else is EVER in this situation so they know their not alone....and hell I want to tell this story...because it was so shocking to me at the age of 32 that I can only imagine what it would feel like if I was 16. So here it goes!!!

THE REASON I CHOSE NOT TO GO THROUGH WITH AN ABORTION!!!!

Okay, so now you've already made up your mind. I'm either your hero (for your pr-lifers out there) or I should keep my opinion to myself (for those of you that are pro-choice)....well I can promise you this: I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't believe. In fact, (and this is where my mom gets mad)...I'm still 100% pro-choice. Like most areas of my life...I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions. What may work for you, may not work for me. I don't know your background, I don't know your story and I certainly am not going to tell you what you should do only because that's what I would do....

but here's what I did!

Disclaimer: Just for the naysayers out there....being pregnant SUCKS! Sure you get a cute little chubby cheeked baby out of it....but the entire process sucks!!! Your body goes through insane, disgusting changes...your emotions are out of whack you can breakdown in the middle of the frozen food isle at the grocery store and there is nothing you can do about it. You get fat, you're tired all the time, you have to go for over half a year without any sort of enjoyment (a martini, sushi, dating, tanning)...and in my case I'm sick ALL of the time. I throw up everyday (so far I've gone over 140 days of puking EVERY SINGLE morning)...I have stayed multiple weekends in the hospital, been dehydrated and am taking daily meds for my newest diagnoses: anemia!! So NO this is not fun, this was not planned and this is not something I think anyone would purposely want to go through....much less ALONE. Also remember I knew all of this would happen (this isn't my first baby) when I decided to leave the abortion clinic, yet I still couldn't go through with it...and this is why!

September 2011

Wednesday night out with my girlfriends, just like always. It's the one night my son goes to his dads house and I get to act like I'm still in my 20's. Sure I'm not always the most productive at work on Thursdays, but hey I've got this down to a science. My hangover is cured as soon as I hit Quicktrip and chug a lemon lime Gatorade and then down a chocolate milk. Lucky for me I'm a MAC makeup junky and that war paint will cover any black bags under my eyes that may be trying to show how late it actually was before I made it to bed, no worries for Thursday!! Except this Thursday is much, much different. Maybe it's my immune system...maybe it's my old age....maybe it's the flu that's been going around...but whatever it is, this hangover is not going away and I can not quit getting sick. I actually call in for the first time on a Thursday in my almost 4 year stint at my job. I lay in bed, cry to my mom how I must have the flu and hope it goes away quickly. After all I have HUGE weekend plans!!!

Now it's the weekend, I'm still sick....my best friend suggests I take a pregnancy test. I laugh it off. There is NO way. I mean there might have been the one time that I had too much to drink at a wedding and woke up regretting my company (not so much the company rather than the bad decisions)...but could I really have that bad of luck??? Does God hate me that much??? Could anybody be that fertile???? Certainly not! However, after trying everything else, and being in the pharmacy section at Hy-Vee at the pregnancy test grabbing my eye..I think "Why not?", couldn't hurt to see...after all it would just take a few hundred dollars to make that problem go away, I need to feel better!

Much to my relief....the test is negative!! So are the two after that. 3 pregnancy tests, all negative....my mind can rest....but geez I need to find out what is wrong with me. It's been almost 2 weeks and this flu won't go away. I decide urgent care will be able to tell me...or at least give me something to make the throwing up stop. One quick blood test later(only after telling the doctor it was a waste of time...I was POSITIVE I wasn't pregnant) and it's confirmed..........I AM that fertile, it DOES only takes one time and it's a possibility not so much that  God hates me, but he's definitely wanting to test me!!!! I simply tell the doctor "thanks....now I'll go ahead and schedule this problem to go away"...before practically running out of the room. The doctor runs after me and grabs my arm "I just want you to know you do have other choices"...ya lady I get it, I'm 32, I know my choices and i KNOW this isn't what I need right now!

I book it out of that office...flooded with an array of emotions I know this will just be a memory in a couple of weeks...but for those 2 weeks I have a lot to accomplish. I need to figure out where I go to get this "taken care of", I need to decide if it's even worth telling the "father" or aka sperm donor, and I need to play off this sickness and figure out a way to work through it!!!

Still September 2011....

and only 6 days after I ran out of urgent care:

It's here...the day that's going to put make this problem a memory rather that a current situation. Lucky for me everything has worked itself out perfectly....a good OBGYN friend prescribed me meds to subside the throwing up for the better part of the day so I could work, my boss let me have a vacation day, the other half of how this happened, has been amazingly supportive and even given me the entire amount of money its going to take to make this problem disappear and my best friend has taken the day off and we are on our way to the Abortion Clinic...a place where problems go far far away!!! Unlike I thought it would be, it's not in the hood somewhere...its in a very nice part of town....in a strip mall type building...and except for the protesters standing a good 100 feet away from the building, you would never know what goes on inside this building. I mean the protesters holding the bloody fake baby dolls and holding up posters of post-aborted fetuses...does give it away, but I choose to just look the other direction, and with the windows up you can't hear their pleading screams to reconsider anyways.

Now I'm walking into the building. I'm a bit confused...there must be somebody VERY important inside. At least that what I gather after having the 6'6 300lb African American bouncer/security guard go through my purse, pat me down and run a metal detector over the parts of my body he isn't allowed to touch. After reassuring Bruno (or whatever his name is) that we have left all electronics including or cell phones in the car he finally lets us in.

(this guy isn't half as scary as the real Bruno)

I look around and it's packed, I mean PACKED, for 8:30 on a Thursday morning. I ask the front desk lady "is this the only day you do the abortions" and her reply to me is "no it's always this packed". Wow! While we look for a seat I am just astounded at the array of people crammed into this building. It takes me about 10 seconds to realize I'm the oldest person in the room who isn't here to make sure my 16 year old daughter goes through with it. There are little girls all over the place with eyes full of tears, young women who are clearly almost to the cut-off limit (you can't have an abortion in KS after 19 weeks), and a few girls that you can tell opted for an abortion rather than giving up their sorority lifestyles. There is a woman across the room who looks to be about 4 months pregnant but has 3 children with her, the oldest child appears to be 5 years old at the most. I take it all in and decide to focus on my own goal....getting in and getting out, kid free!!!!

It's only about a half an hour into the process and my name gets called.....I think to myself this is easier and quicker than getting the test a few weeks ago at urgent care! I follow the friendly nurse back to her room. Now this is where it gets weird. This nurse is actually the sonogram tech who will be measuring how far along I am in my pregnancy so the proper methods will be taken for the abortion. Funny thing is we walk into the small room where I climb up the chair and lift my shirt so that she can do the ultrasound. The screen is directly in front of me (I've heard this is because KS passed a law a few years ago that requires you to look at the ultrasound before making your final decision). So to avoid this I begin looking around. Well there it is, the nurse is a brand new Mom, and boy is she proud. I don't think I've EVER seen more baby pictures in one room. It's seems odd to me. Almost like bad business.....like if I went to apply to The University of Kansas but walked in the Dean's office and he only had K-State Wildcat stuff up, doesn't quite add up. I quickly decide to quit trying to figure out why she's decorated her office in "baby" and look back down. There it is. My baby!!!! MY BABY!!! Right there on the screen in front of me....Now had I not had a 5 year old and been so excited the first time I saw him on that screen I don't know if this would have affected me as much as it did....but I knew from that second that that little bean of a picture could be a little mini-me. The talkative nurse quickly interrupts my thoughts by only confirming what I already knew, 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Then she asks (and I tell you...like it was just a normal question)..."Want me to print a picture of the sonogram for you?" What? I mean seriously....did she really just ask me if I want a picture of my soon to be dead baby. I quickly reply "Um, no I'm good, thanks."

There it was....the 5 minutes that changed my life. Now of course there were 5 more hours spent in that abortion clinic that day. It's a bit more of a process than I knew. After the sonogram they send you to talk to a counselor, then to meet the Doctor (who by the way speaks no English...always reassuring before going into surgery), then they make you wait...and wait.....and wait.....and think about it. Bruno the bouncer limits you to two trips out of the building for safety precautions and the waiting room becomes your new home. So I sat there....and then at hour 5 I looked at my best friend, asked her to get my money back and ran out of there without looking back. I don't know if it was the anxiety of the surgery, the fact I was looking around at all these young girls who opted to take their pictures of the sonogram while they sat there and cried and stared at them, or the fact that they made me wait so long but I realized that a miracle might just be what I need.

(my sweet little Lilly at 18weeks)

At the time...while I was running (litterally...like almost sprinting) out of the building a sense of peace came over me. I knew it was going to be a tough, tough 9 mos ahead...and even tougher lifestyle being a single mother of two but I knew it couldn't ever be as tough on me as those 5 hours were. I also never realized by being open with how I almost went through with the abortion, how many girls (and 1 guy) would reach out to me to tell me the pain they still felt from when they made the decision to go through with it. I guess they are right when they say stuff happens for a reason...and of course, I'm still in the process of figuring out exactly why it's all happening as it does, but I know there has to be a bigger reason out there for me to have had this experience. Until then I've embraced the idea of having a baby girl.....and I've decided that maybe KS isn't that bad of a state after all. I applaud you KS for making me wait that 5 hours (although misserable) I probably would have gone through with it, if given any less time to process, and my regret and pain would be much worse for the rest of my life. Now instead of wondering what if, I'm looking forward to just a few short weeks when my little miracle arrives!!!

(t-shirt I ordered for when Lilly arrives)



Sayonara 2011!!!!

So here it is....New Years Eve! The holiday that I've loved for soooo long. The holiday I've prepared for so much in the past. The shopping for the perfect dress, the setting up of appointments to get my hair, nails and makeup done, the planning..the getting ready with girlfriends.....the rushing to find someone to kiss at midnight. I have such fun, fond memories of New Years Eve's past. I was always so excited to go to the big $100 ticket party where I had put in all this hard work to look just right...but then that work had all gone out the door 2 hours into the event when the open bar had won over and really myself and everyone else looked like nothing more than a sweaty hot mess who could barely open our eyes and stand up straight for pictures. Pictures that I had taken with my "best friend" who I probably met in the bathroom 30 minutes before and I would never see again...but hell I had 30 facebook pictures to prove how close we were that night. Oh the memories, as ridiculous as they sound now, I looked forward and was excited for each time

New Years Eve rolled around.

Now it's the last day of 2011... and here I am, preparing for a full day of work and then a trip out to my parents to see my son who gets back in town tonight after going on vacation with his grandparents for a week. The truth is I couldn't be more excited about this years plans. Sure they are much more calm, some would even say lame, than my past NYE plans...but they define who I want to be in 2012 more than any plans I have had in past years. I'm setting my goals high for 2012...and to many they may not seem lofty but for me they are what I want people to see me as.

So here it is.........My 2012 goal is as follows:

I want to be the most incredible, loving, thoughtful, fun, caring mother I can be to my children.

Yep that's it. I want a be an awesome mom! I know that should just be something that people want to do anyways. I shouldn't have to make it a "goal" but after much reflection through the past months...I can see where I have fallen short in almost every part of my job of being a mom. I can now see my weaknesses and I want to fix them. I can now see where I have let my own selfish ways deflect me from putting my son first and want to repair that right away. I know there have been times when my son wanted to do something as simple as play with play dough on a Friday night, but the thought of cleaning up the mess was beyond me after a 45 hour work week so I talked him into a movie instead (a parents lazy way of having a babysitter that you don't have to actually pay.) I want to be the mom that not only gets out the play dough...but also helps him build the clay transformer he saw on the box!! (but obviously bigger and better)

There have been times when a home cooked meal and a talk at the dinner table would have probably let him open up to me and us grow closer, but I opted instead to do McDonalds drive through...becaus I was "too tired" to cook. I want to be the mom that not only cooks the home cooked meal....but comes up with fun ways for him to help me so we it becomes a meal cooked with love!!

In 2012 I don't want focus on my own self induced misery or for it to have any affect on my son or my daughter (who will be here very shortly). I want to focus on the 2 gifts I've been given from God. I want to make memories with them that they will remember forever. I want them to never feel as though they are more unloved than other kids they go to school with b/c they are from a single parent household. I want them to know they can always come to me and that I will do EVERYTHING possible to take any pain away they may ever feel. I want them to know I'm their #1 supporter...and make their childhoods the most amazing childhoods a kid could ask for.

So maybe after all my goals are a bit high (at least for me). I know logically I'm never going to be the Martha Stewart of the PTA. I know I won't always have time to cook them 3 tier birthday cakes with matching napkins and goodie bags for their friends to take home. But I've decided if I shoot for "Mom of the Year" in 2012....I can't fall too far from the top! If I make up my mind now to put their needs in front of mine always, I will accomplish those goals most of the time.

So out with the old...sayonara 2011. In with the new....welcome 2012!! As fun as the party scene was in the past...there does become a point where we all have to grow up and this is my point!!! I'm accepting it and actually loving it. I can't wait to see what this year will hold for me and my little family....although this family I have created is very unconventional to many, watch for us this upcoming year,  because we will be amazing and hopefully to some, at least just a few, we will also be very admirable!

Looking for real estate...preferably an all glass house!

We've all heard the expression

"Those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones..."

clearly meaning you shouldn't judge others unless you're perfect. But is this really even possible? I mean nobody is perfect, right??? (Well except maybe Victoria Beckham..aka Posh Spice, she does seem quite close to my idea of perfection). But I mean is it really even possible to not only be a non-perfect person but then also go through life without judging ANYONE,  EVER???? It would seem as though being able to be non-judgmental would make you about as close to perfect as it gets, right???

(pretty close to perfect, right)

The truth is I've done my own very fair share of judging. I mean it's practically a survival method through high school. Learn to judge and agree w/the majority or become the very unpopular, unhappy, different, minority....and nobody wants that

 (or at least I couldn't fathom that at the age of 16).

Then there is college. If you decide to take the sorority route as I did you get to experience first hand on your first week of adulthood out in the world on your "own", how truly judging people can almost become a game. Sorority rush week is like a rapid lesson on how others first opinions on you can really affect you. 2 minutes with some girl you've never met (who is probably pretty miserable herself and is looking for you to make her feel better about herself than really deciding if she wants to be what you'll call her "sister" for the next few years)  can decide the future of your college years.

Then there is what they call adulthood. By now we're suppose to know better than to judge others, correct??? I mean as a nation we've become so obsessed with being "politically correct". Every expression we learned as a child has changed to a more accepted expression. We're no longer supposed to use the word 'midget'..it's now 'little people'. We shouldn't use the word 'retarded', rather now 'mentally challanged'. I mean there are a million expressions that have changed....and the very liberal outspoken part of me thinks this is absolutely the way it should be. But is it really how it is? I mean sure in a room full of 'little people' you're going to call them 'little people' but when you go home do you tell your friends or spouse that you just came from a room full of 'little people'...probably not. Most likely you say "i just spent my day with so many midgets". It's when we aren't being watched or judged ourselves that we feel as though it's okay to judge people...it's when we let our guards down from protecting ourselves from what people might think of us is when we really say what we think of others.

(I would brag if I got to hang out w/this fam..I just love them) 

There are so many reasons that we judge people. As sad as it is...I believe there is always still that 14 year old inside of us that wants to be liked by as many people as possible. This is when majority opinion takes over personal opinion and while we may know what we are saying or just even laughing at may not be what we truly believe...but b/c it's the popular way to go we concede.  I believe this to be the saddest reason of  all to judge.

The past few months I have had a crash course lesson in learning the true affects of others words. Of course we all remember our mothers telling us to always remember the saying:

 "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me". 

But it's a lie! The truth is I made a decision (a very unpopular decision it would seem) a few months back to go ahead and not terminate my pregnancy (an issue I'll cover in  my next blog..."To abort or not to abort.") that many did not think was the best decision for the situation at hand. However, I do believe I have made many decisions that many would not agree with through out my life, but this one seem to be the icing on the cake. The amount of words and judgemental comments that have been made both to me and behind my back (b/c you know that shit always finds it's way back to the person you were talking about) have been a tough pill to swallow. I was waiting for the part "...your words will never hurt me." But that never seemed to be the case. Truthfully, I would have rather you come to my house with your sticks and stones.  I would rather be punched in the face until my nose was bloody than hear some of the awful things others think of me. As terrible as it is to say I would much rather be physically harmed........b/c at least then the doctors can tell you when it's going to heal. It's the emotional harm, the words that you've said that I've let go straight to my heart, that I've let get into my head, that I've let myself start to believe....and no doctor can tell you when that hurt is going to go away. The physical pain would be so much easier compared to the emotional.  I mean after all nobody ends up in the morgue after a suicide b/c they got physically hurt....it's the emotional hurt that they couldn't control, that took over and that won in the end.

(if you ever get to this point...I beg of you to go here if you feel you have no other option:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ )

Now where I go from here and what I take away from this is what I believe is really the lesson here. I can't change any ones opinion on me. I can't make people quit talking about and judging me. And I certainly have to find a way to overcome this...b/c the truth is all I can control is me. Somewhere in all of this there has to to be a test. Maybe it's a test of patience, a test of learning who I really am, a test of making sure I can be completely happy with who I am regardless of others opinions before I can move on to bigger and better things. No matter what the big picture lesson learned at the end of this is...for now I've learned that throwing stones is not for me. Sure I can't say I can go through the rest of my life without judging anyone. Sure I may look at a woman with Keds on and think "I didn't even realize those were still around"....but hey I'm going to try my very best to keep that opinion to myself b/c who knows maybe there is a story behind those keds like they were present from an orphan she helped find a new home (or maybe she just has terrible fashion sense) but either way it's not my place to judge her.

For now I'm going to set my sights on being able to maybe one day truly move into a glass house (theoretically...not really, think of a whole new set of problems that would cause...on the upside I probably wouldn't end up pregnant again).

 I'm going to set my sights on being the person that if someone I know does hurt so bad emotionally they know they can come to me...b/c they know I won't judge them. I'm going to set my sights on the future and learning the stories behind why people do and say what they do before I quickly form my opinion or take others opinions on them.

Lucky for me, my crash course on dealing with peoples opinions have also taught me one more VERY important thing: I could never be a celebrity. If I can't handle the opinions of my former friends I sure as hell don't want to know what Ryan Seacrest thinks of who I'm dating or what Joan Rivers thinks of what I'm wearing, I'll leave that lifestyle to the Kardashians!!!

"If you live long enough, you’ll make mistakes. But if you learn from them, you’ll be a better person.  It’s how you handle adversity, not how it affects you.  The main thing is never quit, never quit, never quit." 

Bill Clinton

How I got so effed up.....blame it on....

It's 5am on a Tuesday morning. I should be asleep. I should be enjoying my gigantic California king bed all to myself with the only worry of making it to work by 9am. I should, but I'm not. Instead I have a loudly snoring (this is where you think I'm going to say husband or b/f of years...after all I am 32 years old, it's time already) 5 year old laying next to me and a 23 week old soon to be baby girl kicking the crap out of my ribs. Everything you can imagine is rushing through my head....."How am I going to take care of 2 kids on my own? How am I going to be able to afford it? How am I going to explain how they only share one mommy? How am I ever going to get a date again being the mom of 2 kids with 2 different dads (whore)? Why did I ever think it was good idea to take advanced yoga last night, every bone in my body hurts?"...just to name a few. And that's why I'm "Blogging". I've heard about it, heck I've even been known to read a blog or two. I just never thought I would be doing it. However, after trying EVERYTHING else to make it through this pregnancy, and by everything I mean anti-depressants (which aren't that uplifting when you're allergic to them and puking in the toilet for 27 straight hours) and yoga...this is what I've settled on...blogging. So here goes nothing....

One of the questions I keep asking myself over and over again on these cold lonely mornings.."How the hell did I get here?" I mean if you would have asked me 15 years ago where I would be by the time I was over 30 I would have probably dreamed up a much fancier, respectable life for myself. I believed in white horses and tall brunette men that stayed by your side until you lived happily ever after. I believed if you could dream it you could achieve it.....and all those other silly quotes that they put on very colorful posters across the high school cafeteria. I may have believed in fairy tales too much it would seem.

This is where I believe I am suppose to come up with why I got so effed up. Maybe it was my parents...I mean after all we moved around a lot when I was a child. I did end up going to 5 different grade schools. Then there were the junior high years when my mom came up with a brilliant idea to "home school" my sister and I. She finally sent us back come high school time when she realized she hated it as much as we did. Ya, I could blame them. Only now that I'm an adult I can understand why we moved around. We always moved somewhere bigger and better...all they were doing was trying to give us as close to the white picket fence life that they could. I mean after all, they now have been married for 34 years and I can probably count on 1 hand the amount of times I've had to watch them argue (not even fight). So I guess it's not really all their fault.

It be easy to say I had some creepy old uncle that took me in a back room and that's why my morals are so messed up now. However, I didn't. I mean one time I did have to go to court with a couple other girls from the neighborhood after some local pedophile pulled down his pants and got his jolly's off in front of us...but the sad thing is I remember that day as one of the best from my childhood (court day...I don't even remember the day I supposedly saw his goods)..I mean they paid me to skip school, gave me an unlimited amount of candy and I watched my first rated R movie "Stand by Me"...I thought I was all grown up just like those boys did!

Maybe it was when I went away to college...ya maybe that was it. I mean they just threw me in there with no sense of responsibility, idea of how to be a mature adult and no curfew! The only the thing is 26,000 other kids got thrown in too and I'm pretty sure they all didn't end dancing on table tops in Dallas and believing that being "promo girl" was a legitimate smart career choice only to end up where I am today!



So this is what it comes down too....me blogging. You're more than welcome to read, you're more than welcome to judge and you're more than welcome to know: I really don't care what you think either way. For sooooooooooooo long in my life I have cared what others thought...and if I stick to that mind set I wont ever hit the publish button. Maybe just somebody out there is going through what I am and knowing their not alone will help them or maybe you just think your life sucks so reading this will make you feel much better about yourself. Either way here it is... It really wont probably much more than a 32 year old woman whining about beings single, raising kids and douche bags...but hey if that what makes me happy that's what I'm going to do.  So enjoy!